Grace to Change

"Grace changes us and change is painful." --Flannery O'Connor

There have been many changes I've noticed that have been stretching me, growing me as a person and as a Christian. I noticed it today, after taking my first cathartic run here at Bloomsbury Park. In the rain. So it's double cathartic, in a sense! (It means to cleanse, purge, purify, by the way.) Being washed by the water is a great thing; we all need a retreat, all alone, with God. It really cleans your mind and gives you room to breathe. I think I may form a habit of it...although I think I have become literally allergic to running, since when I do my legs get red and tingly and itchy. Faith suggested I was possibly allergic to any physical activity. Ha ha. At any rate I have found that being around water in general has a real, cleansing effect. You may notice how you get suddenly more pensive, or inspired as you sit by the lake and think. How taking a shower clears more than just the soap off your head. There's so much power in water, and i think its because God made us to need His true, ultimate cleansing. Now, onto business:

One thing I noticed about this semester that it made me grow more studious and academic. I have never been so motivated to study before! Maybe because I have so much work and I do not want to give my British professors a new reason to not take Americans seriously. My weekly workload includes reading fifty bajillion pages of a Dickens novel (this week it has been me trying to finish 500 pages of 'Bleak House'), reading a whole bunch more for Islam class, typing notes for British Life and Culture and also Theatre class. I feel bad for a few of my friends that have not only Islam and Dickens, but Archaeology of the Near East as well. They do 2 powerpoint presentations a week! So crazy, God bless them!

I notice that I am such a clutz around here-- I tripped four times last night just walking around normally. I am also quite ditzy, but I already knew that. It has always been my ultimate battle to know where I am going and how to get there, reading maps, taking buses, scouting for the right tube stop, &c. I just dont understand how some people can instantly know where they are going; it takes me a while to comprehend things. So basically, my world is being stretched by facing my fears of navigation, and I am learning other basic things about life that I feel silly for not knowing. But I know that when I get back to the States, I will definately be more alert and aware and if Im lucky, I won't get lost more than once! So there.

Another thing is that the culture here is so, so diverse, it is the "biggest melting pot I have ever seen!". I told that to my British friend Robert from the GU church tonight as we were walking to eat dinner together at Nando's (a truly amazing chicken place that is actually spicy). The church here is brilliant. People here smoke, cuss, crossdress, play hardcore metal music, and get vulnerable. Definately not your typical "Southern Baptist" church. But that's why I love it. People are so real, and they genuinely love Jesus! Being opened to these kinds of people shows me more of heaven. My perspectives are changing, and its a good thing. I wonder what people back home would do if I lit up a cigarette or I slipped the "s" word. I mean, thats the norm here, but its definately not over there. Obviously I don't think I would do any of that, but it gets you wondering if people are as real as they act. Not saying thats the case, of course, and Im not advocating that it is okay, it is just a cultural nuance. Life as we know it.

Spiritual growth...now there's a tough case. God's grace is sufficient for me, even when I fail. Some days I feel so strongly about getting up early and reading my Bible and spending time with Him, and other days (like Saturday) I just sort of retreated into my own world. But that ultimately damages a person more. I know I can only find solace in the strong arms of my Daddy in heaven. It has definately been loads of spiritual warfare. Depression, negativity, loneliness...it all creeps in. Slowly you become numb to your surroundings. You treat other people like they were as common as the pidgeons in the parks and tube stations, to quote my friend Faith. Is it all the cigarette smoke people exhale that makes people so blind to noticing others? People can be so cold.

Spiritual numbness is one major thing that's been happening to me, at least I think that's what you call it. Back home in the Bible Belt, on a Christian Campus, being around your very dearest friends from Church week after week...you don't really notice what you've got until you're gone to another world without that. Despite there being 19+ students here on the trip, we are still not quite what you'd call a "community". We have started a sort-of-lifegroup called "JTAP", short for "Jesus Totally Awesome Party", which is the hilight of many people's week! I have not always been praying for it as much as I should be. My prayer skills are being tested; my faith is being tested. Will I share Jesus with this person even if they make fun of me, blow me off, or walk away?

I think there's just a lot of pressure I put on myself to uphold JTAP and do everything the way we did it back home. But that's not what needs to happen. We are a community--a church. I have some great, great friends helping out with JTAP, and I know I should be better about planning it and asking others to help out. Many times I have felt like we should cancel; I think Im just intimidated about this next session we're about to have. Its a teaching about the Holy Spirit and how to be filled with Him. Whats scary is that I feel like Im going to have to show people you don't have to be "super spiritual" or whatever to hear His voice. A lot of people are intimidated by that, and so I feel that same pressure, and I get scared....but Oh, Jesus, you are so much greater than all of this! Let my own plans come to ruin so you may have your glory! The Holy Spirit is so powerful and already moving, can do anything and has already breathed LIFE into us! Im so thankful to be adopted into His loving family. By His grace, I am saved.